"Dogs are like kids. Cats are like roommates."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

"A fish tank is just interactive television for cats."

- Oliver Gaspirtz

"Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born."

- Oliver Gaspirtz

 

"Free will? Either you follow the word of God, or you'll be punished with eternal hellfire. That's the same kind of "choice" an abusive boyfriend gives you: 'Either you do exactly what I say, or I'll beat the shit out of you.'"
- Oliver Gaspirtz

 "Some guys like to undermine a girl's self-esteem with little verbal jabs. Eventually it all adds up. One bee sting doesn't hurt a horse, but enough bee stings can kill a horse."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

 

"Life is like the ocean. You can either be the ball floating on the waves, or make your own waves."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

"Ordinary people are products of their environment and fit in. Artists transcend their environment and stand out."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

 

"Good things you have to make happen. Bad things happen all by themselves."

- Oliver Gaspirtz

 

"A horrible end is better than endless horror."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

 

"It's better to dance like a fool, than to stand around like an idiot."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

"Do what makes you happy. Fuck what other people think."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

"Jump in every puddle while you're still young enough to enjoy it. There will come a time when you won't be able to do it anymore."

- Oliver Gaspirtz

"Getting life insurance is like making a bet you can't win. If you live, you don't get the money. If you die, you don't get to enjoy the money."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

"A cow's heaven is a flower's idea of hell."

- Oliver Gaspirtz

 

"A beautiful woman can have almost any man she wants. A rich man can have almost any woman he wants."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

"The happiest people are not the ones with the best or the most things, but those who most appreciate what they have."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

"Imagine a wall that's green on one side and red on the other. You stand on one side and only see green. I stand on the other side and only see red. We'll both be right about the color we see, even though we disagree on what color the wall is. Being able to realize that the other person has a valid point, even if you disagree with it, that's maturity."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

"Our words are often only vague, inadequate descriptions of our thoughts. Something gets lost in translation every time we try to express our thoughts in words. And when the other person hears our words, something gets lost in translation again, because words mean different things to different people. "A long time" may mean 10 hours to one person, but 10 days to another. So when a thought is formed in my brain, and my mouth expresses it in words, and your ears hear it, and your brain processes it, your brain and my brain never truly see exactly the same thing. Communication is always just an approximation."

- Oliver Gaspirtz

"Happy Endings are an illusion. Real life is filled with brief moments of fleeting happiness, but ultimately every life is a tragedy that ends in death and grief."
- Oliver Gaspirtz

"Although I'm an atheist, I try not to crap all over people's belief in God. It may be nothing more than a placebo, a fairy tale that gives the hopeless hope, but sometimes a little hope is all people need to get through the day. Imagine a unit of soldiers under heavy enemy fire. They are told by their superiors to hold their position, even in the face of overwhelming fire power. The soldiers are being told that reinforcements are on the way, and that thought alone gives them the hope and courage to continue fighting, even if ultimately the reinforcements never arrive. I think some people simply need to believe that God is sending them reinforcements, to get through another day."
- Oliver Gaspirtz